Guilt

The subject of guilt has been on my mind so often lately. Actually, feeling guilty has been surrounding me for the past while.

I have pretty low self-esteem most days. Fortunately, most mornings I have the mind set of "Fake it 'till you make it." and I'm able to get through the day with a positive attitude {and what a huge difference attitude makes, a whole nother post for sure!}. I tend to be really hard on myself for everything: how I look, how I am as a Mom, how I am as a wife, personal standards for my job, how/what I cook, what I do with my "days off", how much sleep I get, how slow our house projects get done, how our house is kept up, etc., etc., etc.

Something that is constantly in the back of my head {or right there in the front} is that no matter the choice that is made, I usually feel guilty.

In regards to Bailey: Am I away from her too much? Am I too quick to pick her up when she cries? Am I being too strict with only giving her organic/homemade food? Did I do her harm by only being able to breastfeed for six months? (which was my body's decision not my choice) Am I being crazy by not letting her watch tv?  

As a wife: Am I doing everything I can to support Chris and make sure he is happy? Am I a source of stress relief for him or do I add more stress into his life? Do I ask him to do too many projects and not let him relax on his days off? Do I expect too much of him as a father and husband? Am I saying no to things that he wants because I am selfish?

As a person: Am I taking time to be Mallory, not Mom, not wife, not dispatcher; but Mallory? Am I balancing chores (laundry, cooking, cleaning) with downtime?  Do I put everyone else above myself? Am I too stubborn/embarrassed/afraid of the reaction to ask for help? Why am I not better at being consistent at working out? Am I living my life on caffeine to make it though the day getting things done {yes}? Do I feel guilty for feeling guilty when I have so much?

Life is all about balance, not so much on the day-to-day things I don't think; but on the overall picture. Did I do my best in dividing my time between family, work, myself? Yes, some days, work takes priority because everything else is running smoothly, while other days, I am so engrossed in my family that I don't even think about my job or the fact that my house hasn't been dusted in weeks.

I am a work in progress. I am trying to not fret about things that aren't getting done when I am spending my time doing something else. I am going to try to look in the mirror and not see my frizzy, always up in a ponytail hair, but look past that and see what I've accomplished (and maybe take some time to go get my haircut for the first time in a year). Look around and not see our dirty house, but see toys that Bailey loves playing with and dishes in the sink from a meal enjoyed together.

Guilt is a strange thing. It can be all consuming, self-imposed and something that is hard to change.

But I'm working on it.

{and maybe I'll go take that nap I've been needing.}