I keep in touch, for the most part, with those people that I want to from high school. I had lots of "school friends" - the people you are friends with in your classes but never do anything with outside of school. And just a few real friends. Facebook makes it so easy to keep up with those people that you want to, and also those that you don't really want to. I feel like I know what people are up to and don't really need to go sit for hours on end at a bar reminiscing.
Also, I think I'm a completely different person than I was in high school and I don't really want to bring up those feelings that I had in school. The feeling of being inadequate, unliked, insecure, ugly, and unimportant.
Freshman year:
I played varsity water polo...well, I sat on the varsity bench and rarely played. I had a core group of friends and then I got involved with water polo and swimming so we didn't spend much time together. I started going to Church, became a Christian, and found a group of friends that I fit in with. I went to Hume Lake over the summer {an awesome place!} and felt like I belonged.
Sophomore year:
I started the year feeling good, had my friends, was going to youth group and church and was confident about who I was. I remember being really excited about being a Christian and wanting to share it with others. I brought my bible with me to school one day hoping someone would ask me about it and I could share what I'd been learning. Well, someone did...an upperclassman who I had looked up to for her faith, but her question was more of a sneer, asking my why I was carrying my bible around. I was immediately embarrassed and put it away in my backpack.
Growing up I had always had one best friend who I would do everything with. I thought I had found that sophomore year, but now, I realize I was still so insecure that when others started taking her time, I was extremely hurt and those feelings of being inadequate started up again. I felt unwanted and rejected when I wasn't asked to be in their bible study or asked to hang out with them more. {amazing how those feelings keep creeping up and how the hurt I felt then is still with me}
Junior year:
I finally found a group of people I fit in with, felt confident with them, and enjoyed being with them. They were one and two years younger than me, but at the time I didn't care; the "friends" I thought I had had in my own grade made me feel less than them and I was ready to stop feeling that way. {obviously this does not apply to everyone I was friends with, just those I thought I was closest to}. I had a boyfriend, two years younger than me, and thought that everything was great. I was a starter on the water polo team, did well in swimming and had a great group of friends.
Senior year:
I kind of stopped caring about friendships and water polo and chose not to swim that year. I knew I was going to the community college in our town so I didn't have the dorm life and new people to look forward to. My lack of caring was mostly my fault, but also the fault of my boyfriend. He was abusive in many ways and cut off those friendships I had kept, but he made me feel that I was a wanted part of his group and he made me feel beautiful so I stayed with him. Looking back, I had felt so shut out and unlikeable by those my own age, staying with him was better than being alone. I got really good {I think} at pretending everything was ok and that I was happy. For much of the time I was, but now I see how scared I was. Scared of not having friends, scared of my boyfriend, scared of being alone, scared of being thought of as unlikable.
I graduated with many "school friends" {even some my boyfriend tried to alienate me from} and felt a relief that high school was over.
Some days, it feels that high school was a long time ago and others it feels like yesterday. I know that I'm a different person now, but I didn't want to go back and have those feelings of inadequacies start up again. Feelings of comparing myself with others and seeing those high school groups form again.
So this weekend, instead of sitting at a bar or eating {bad}buffet food, I'll be home, cuddling with this little face and thinking about the future instead of the past.
Maybe I'll make it to the next reunion in 10 years. Maybe not.
5 comments:
I'm glad we're here instead of there, too. And it's interesting to see your point of view, as I never saw you as that while in High School. Oh the things we could have known if we weren't so scared in H.S., right? But would we have listened to ourselves??
You're a wonderful person, Mallory... and that baby of yours is too cute for words (and getting big fast!). Hopefully we can both make it to the 20-year.
I didn't go to my reunion last year either...and glad I didn't.
But just so you know, I didn't have that impression of you in HS. You were a very thoughtful person in my mind. In fact, I can STILL vividly remember the day I came to school and you gave me fresh flowers and a sweet card after I got some kind of volleyball award in the newspaper. Recognition from the paper was cool I guess, but you really made me feel EXTRA special that day. Thank you :)
Glad we can still stay in touch!
Thanks ladies! {I guess I did do a good job of hiding my feelings about myself}
I'm glad we can still keep in touch and keep up on our growing families!
Is it just me or is 10 years just not long enough? I feel no real need to get together with everyone...probably because of things like facebook like you said. :) I think if I'm in the area I would maybe be interested in the 20 year...maybe. Only if cool people go though haha :) High school was weird weird weird. Such a mix of fun and insecurities.
I went to my 10 year reunion and felt like I was being judged all over again. I hung out with the same people (only difference was my Husband was with me and almost everyone else had a significant other) and, while it was good to see all of my old friends from high school (your brother included), it was almost a waste of time and money. High school is such a hard time for everyone, why re-live it? That being said, I will probably go to my 20 year reunion because I am a glutten for punishment.
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