Leftovers

This has already been a very emotional and stressful month for me...and it's only the 11th!

Each year from the end of October to the new year is always full of ups and downs with the holidays and some hard anniversaries for our family. This past weekend made me very thankful for my husband and how strong he is for me. We had a long car ride after an emotional/stressful/turbulent/enlightening weekend (a post for the future), which gave me lots of time to think and reflect.

Each day, we give little parts of ourselves out to others. A smile to the barista as we get our morning coffee; respect and work for our boss and co-workers during a sometimes grueling work day; laughter, emotion, a listening ear, and time with friends; idle chatter with the checker at the grocery store as we gather items for dinner; love and caring and sometimes anger with our parents, siblings, spouses, and children.

With all that we give out throughout the day, what are we left with for ourselves and what do we have left to give to those who mean the most to us?

I have been noticing how stressed, worn out, irritable, and unmotivated I have been for the past few weeks. I have been anxiously awaiting the past weekend, and now that it is over, I have been able to look at myself and see what I have been giving out to whom and what I have been keeping for myself.

Unfortunately I realized that I have not been keeping enough throughout the day to give to Chris or keeping enough to sustain myself.

Chris has been getting my leftovers.

Whatever I have left, after long days at work, my mind whirling with anxieties over what was to come, fears with no validity, and lack of sleep...goes to him. My not realizing that I need to keep some of me for me, has me leaving him with whatever I haven't already given away. The fumes of what I had started out with at the beginning of the day and me running on empty, hoping that a few hours of sleep will refill me, is what he gets.

Yes, I could blame it on my work schedule and sometimes that is a valid excuse. Dealing with emergencies, the worst events in people's lives, death, injury, and rarely a thank you takes it toll on me. Sometimes, I have a horrible day at work: getting yelled at all day long when I am just trying to help, being unable to comfort someone through the phone and the sometime negative attitude of my co-workers wears me out. Going home at the end of shift (24, 36, or even 48 hours long), sometimes knowing that I have to be back in a mere twelve hours does not make for a happy, loving, patient wife.

I need to remember to keep us a priority because when everything else fades away or when someone hurts me, I know that my husband is there to comfort, hold, and just love me. He deserves all that I have at the beginning of the day...not my leftovers!


I also need to remember that I do need some time for myself: time to reflect, dream, plan, and just decompress. Usually that means a long, hot soak in the bathtub; a walk; or just some ice cream. If I remember that when I have some time for myself and when I give Chris all that I can, that it makes me happy (as well as him, I'm sure) and it will be much easier for me to get through the trying days with a better attitude.


This is my pledge to be aware of what I am giving out to whom and to keep my husband as my top priority.


Are you giving the most of yourself to those who deserve it? Who are you giving your leftovers to?